A Diary of our Sleeping Angel:    A Tale of the Unexpected

38 weeks glorious weeks of pregnancy and its Christmas 2006! I had promised myself that I wouldn't get truely excited about our first baby arriving until the Christmas decorations were put out. We'd made it...surely? Despite all the hurrying about getting ready for Christmas I noticed that I was feeling strong Braxton Hicks but didn't feel many movements from baby on Christmas Eve. We tried all the tricks but our baby girl did not kick. At 11pm we went into hospital to be monitored. As I lay on the bed and they hooked us up...kick...off she went and we were so releaved! By now it was Christmas morning about 2am and we had been monitored for 40 minutes. The Midwives said our trace was "beautiful" and we were sent home. The Midwife whispered to me "You're having contractions so it won't be too long..don't let your Husband drink too much over Christmas!" We enjoyed Christmas Day.

39 weeks and 4 days I had my final antenatal check at my doctors surgery. As soon as the fetal monitor was placed I noticed that her heartbeat appeared to be slower than at previous times. My Midwife showed me the screen counting the beats and it was fluctuating between 132-134 and she said it was absoutlely fine. "Next time I see you, you will be at home with your baby!" Chloe was ready to be born.

Two days later, one day before our due date, I noticed that again her movements had reduced. We felt reassured by people saying that the baby was big and had no space to move fully, also we knew her hearbeat was fine from two days before. That evening, 7th January 2007, we went in to be monitored as we thought "we would never forgive ourselves"...just incase.

After a long wait (the Maternity Ward was busy) a Midwife attempted to find her heartbeat...Silence. She fetched another Midwife as "sometimes the baby lies in an awkward position"...Silence. I looked at my Husband in horror as I just knew what this meant. Suddenly my Husband's face lit up...a heartbeat! But it wasn't as fast as a baby's should be. "Its mine" I shouted, "its mine". The midwife told me to stay calm as it might be the baby's, but as I started to panic, the heartbeat got faster and then, with an almighty sinking feeling, I just knew. My entire life flashed before me. A doctor joined us with a portable scanner and he did not find a heartbeat either. I screamed, cried and whaled. This simply could not be happening? From that point on I entered a nightmare world almost like being in a film. Our baby girl was dead.

We had to be scanned on the 'big' scanner to 'confirm'. "Confirm our baby is dead you mean?!" I screamed. I walked in complete terror to the scanning room and held my fingers in my ears whilst they scanned us, shouting " This is not right, babys don't die at full term!". The doctor finished his scan, reached for my hand and shook his head. He didn't need to say a word. "NO!" At that moment my life collapsed and a part of me died too. Eventually I staggered back up to the Maternity ward and we were allocated a 'special room' where family had gathered to try to console us. I was told that I would need to be induced and have a natural labour. A woman's worst nightmare had become my reality. The doctor did his best to explain to me that this sometimes does happen, especially to small babies. No! This did not JUST happen, this is my baby girl. Healthy and normal. It did not make sense. I decided to go home and return the next day. Ironically, which was her due date.

We got home in silence. Tears, questions and shouting. I sat up all night on the sofa and stroked my bump. I cried all night. My baby was dead, how could this be? The hours passed by and dawn arrived. Our last night together was over. Forever. Like robots we re-packed our hospital bag. Swapped nappies and babygros for tissues and off we went back to hopsital. Without a word.

That day, 8-9th January proved to be the most horrendous and traumatic day of my life. I begged for two hours to be given a c-section but they would not do it. I didn't want to feel the pains of labour if it was all to deliver my baby girl without life! They flat out refused. I felt like walking towards a death sentance, I knew exactly what was ahead but couldn't believe it. I had no choice so I switched off my brain, numbed my heart and feelings. Charlotte left the room at that point and went somewhere else and the pregnant body that remained was induced.

After 12 hours of a smooth running, under terrible cirumstances labour, Chloe Amber was born at 00.01 on 9th January. A meeting and a farewell at the same time. My sleeping silent baby. I desperatley wanted to give her air..."breathe! Go on! Prove this is a mistake" I willed her to move. Nothing. Our hopes and dreams and our Daughter Chloe Amber has been carried on butterfly wings. Our Sleeping Angel was born.


Chloe, You are my sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away

The other nite, dear,
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried.



Thank you to everyone who visits Chloe and lights a candle to her. It means so much.   
   
I created this website in memory of our Daughter Chloe Amber Garbett. She was born sleeping at 40 weeks and 1 day, at 00.01 on 9th January 2007 in the West Midlands, UK. She weighed a healthy 7lbs but despite being fully grown and well developed we will never see the colour of her eyes or hear her cry. Losing Chloe has concluded 'uexplained'. We would like to share our Angel with you because she was perfect and this website is one of the only ways we can keep our first Daughter's memory alive.

 

 
                


This is Chloe's turtle that was adopted and released on her behalf in the Indian Ocean in August 2006.

CHLOE'S SECTION FOR HER MUMMY & DADDY:

To My Mummy,  

My Mummy is a survivor, or so I've heard it said. 
But I hear her crying at night when all others are in bed. I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand. She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand. But like the sands on the beach that never wash away... I watch over my surviving mummy, who thinks of me each day. She wears a smile for others...a smile of disguise. But through Heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes. My mummy tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive. But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive. As I watch over my surviving mummy...through Heaven's open door. I try to tell her that angels protect me forever more. But I know that doesn't help her or ease the burden she bears. So if you get a chance, go visit her...And show her that 
you care. For no matter what she says...no matter what she feels. My surviving mummy has a broken heart that time won't ever heal! 

   Love From Chloe <i>xx 


   


To My Daddy,

I am really hurt that I am not with you Daddy. I was looking forward to making your life happy and giving you the chance to be a proper Daddy. Instead, you and Mummy are grieving and your lives are very, very sad. I want you to know Daddy that I am always around you, I am still your little Girl. I can see everything you do for me and Mummy and I am very proud to say that you are my Daddy. You and Mummy have to find happiness again, and that will come in Brothers and Sisters for me. I will always love you Daddy but I will be eternally sad that I have to be away from you.

I Love You So Much,
Chloe xxx






 
You can shed tears that she has gone
Or you can smile because she has 'lived'
You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all she has left
Your heart can be empty because you cant see her
Or you can be full of the love that you shared
You can turn your back on tomorrow because of yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday
You can remember her and only that shes gone
Or you can cherish her memory, let it live on
You can cry and close your mind, be empty turn back
Or you can do what she'd want
OPEN YOUR EYES, LOVE, AND GO ON 
         
      

Life With Little Chloe

 Our first pregnancy was filled with joyful moments. I couldn't have asked for a better 40 weeks. Its so ironic. I didn't suffer from any morning sickness, emotional moments, cravings, and I had a neat and tidy bump. I feel as though she graced me, Tuesday's child is full of grace afterall. I had so many hopes and dreams for our first baby. Our hopes and dreams of our baby are now carried on butterfly wings.




Nine months took there time to pass, but once Winter had arrived I knew it wouldn't be long. The entire Winter months were spent looking foward to January. 
I promised myself not to truely believe that this happiness would happen for us until the Christmas decorations came out. Now, Mother's day, Father's day and other special occasions just wont be the same without her.
               
A perfectly planned January baby, born 9 days before my Birthday, Chloe was going to share her Birthday month with me. Now, January will never be a happy month and the Winter months will be dreaded and dark. Chloe is our first Grandchild on Mummy's side and 4th Grandchild on Daddy's side. She is Sarah, Ashley, David and Lee and Ruth's Niece. She has 2 cousins, Lydia and Joel. Its such a shame that they will not be able to enjoy knowing her fully. All the members of her family have so much love for her its so very sad that some of them will never get to meet her.
 
"How anxious I was for the pregancy to be over. How impaitient I was for each day to pass. Little did I know that those were the only days I would have with you. Why did I wish them away instead of savouring each moment we had together?"

A Meeting and a Farewell
I know that most parents are proud of their newborn babies, Chloe was perfect. When I did meet her she had soft rounded cheeks, longs legs, fair eyebrows and blonde curly hair. She was 50cm long. I knew that she would be a long baby as her elbows and knees always poked me! I have an image of her in my mind as a young girl...  

    Chloe aged 3

"So many babies. Mine is not the only one. I know so  many mothers who  have lost a child, and I wonder why. Has it always been this way? Is there something in our air or water that is killing our babies? We know so much about medicine, but this problem seems to be getting bigger. Or maybe it just seems bigger because I am part of it now."

When Chloe was born we were grateful to be given a memory box (courtesy of Sarah Grace boxes, a fantastic charity) which we could put a lock of Chloe's hair, her hand and foot prints and plaster casts of her hands and feet. We did have the opportunity to hold her and take some photographs but unfortunately because I had been given a lot of morphine throughout the night I simply couldn't stay awake long enough to appreciate the limited time we had with her. I do have a few regrets but that can't be helped considering the situation you are in having just had your stillborn baby. I look at the photographs we have of Chloe and slowly realise that they will never change or be added to over the years. Thats it. Twenty photographs.

I miss her so much. Although I never met her alive, I feel like I knew her so well. Its immensly sad to know that we will never see her grow and lead a full life like other people's children. I couldn't wait to be her Mummy and feel that parent-proudness that I assume 'you' feel when things work out as they should. For me to have my own baby sitting on my knee was something I really looked forward to when seeing friends with their children. We now belong to a different 'parents club' - one for bereaved parents. This club doesn't have that many members though.



Saying Goodbye to a New Life

I chose pink roses to be Chloe's flower. They symbolise her beauty and gracefulness. We asked all friends and family to place a single pink rose on top of her casket during the graveside service. The variety of colours of the pink roses looked beautiful on top of the little white casket and every time I see a pink rose I think of Chloe's beautiful features. Butterflies have come to represent her spirit fluttering around us all everywhere we go.

      


I love my daughter so much it hurts, and, I've been told thats that what a real Mummy feels.


   

"I held her perfect little body. Tiny toes and fingers and wispy blonde hair. Its hard to believe that just a few hours ago she was alive inside my wife. Something happened-I'm still not sure what and she died just before she was born. How could that precious little body be so lifeless? Holding her wasn't like I expected it to be, but I'm glad that at least I got to tell her that Daddy loves her"

Life Without Little Chloe

This situation is totally unthinkable. You assume (wrongly) that your baby will arrive when you reach 40 weeks pregnant. Obviously for an unlucky few this is not always the case. I really feel that mothers-to-be should be made more aware of this silent killer and we should be monitored more often and thoroughly during these seemingly 'low' risk pregnancies.

"I feel buffered by the wind. I thought I knew my life's path, at least for the next few months: our baby would be born and we would be thrilled to have him or her. Everybody said the baby would change our lives completely, but it was a change we looked forward to embracing. This grief is different from what we had planned. Our expectations were blown away."


We are now trying to slowly piece our lives back together with the much needed support of family and friends. I have no idea if I will ever be able to come to terms with losing Chloe, especially under these circumstances. I think that I will only learn to live with the sadness somehow. We didn't derseve this heartbreak and pain and so I will strive to research unexplained stillbirth and one day I sincerely hope that we find a reason for losing her in this way. Its simply not acceptable to have to accept not knowing why your child can't be with you. We would have made brilliant parents to Chloe. This website allows me to celebrate Chloe for the love that she stood for and symbolise how important she is to us. If you know us, then you know how much we anticipated her arrival into our lives.  

Please light a candle to help keep her memory alive.


          


     


Chloe Amber Garbett, our first, perfect little Daughter, will live FOREVER in our hearts. All our love, Mummy & Daddy, Little Brother Coel, Family and many Friends xxx

Sleep tight myin the sky xx

POEMS AND READINGS SECTION

An Invisible Mummy
I grew a child as perfect as you
I did everything Mummys should do
Nothing was different until the day
They told me through tears you'd flown away.
How can this be? It can't be right
Surely I'd know if you had to fight?
40 great weeks we shared together
I thought you'd be with me simply forever!

When I first saw you, I willed you to breathe
"Prove them wrong", I begged you, "please"!
Silently you slept, without a cry
My heart left broken, why oh why?
Beautifully blonde and sweet little face
Time stood still whilst we were in that place
I tucked you in and kissed you goodnight
That was Our Angel, she'd started her flight.

I left without you my arms really ached
No balloons or teddies for celebrations sake
Home was quiet, empty and dark
Your nursery was ready, no walks in the park.

How do I live without my first child?
Having no reason is driving me wild
My life had changed, I'd planned you in it
Now everythings different, at the last minute
No more kisses not even one cuddle
A perfect baby but its all a muddle
My life is in pieces, I have no idea
If and when this will all become clear.

An invisible Mummy, thats what I am
You cant see but I'm pushing her pram
Singing and smiling, I am so proud
My Angel Baby is here so shout it loud!
Suddenly I wake and the pain returns
My heart starts to bleed and my stomach churns
For I realise that all I have seen
Is not me and my baby, but just a nice dream.

A Mummy should never have to feel such pain
And now I've got to do it all again
Just to get where most of you are
With your children near you...not that far
The pathway to Heaven is such a long way
I'll grow wings too hopefully one day
Then me and you will be back together
Where we should be, cuddling, simply forever.


Written by Mummy in April 2007







Please, when you have a chance, visit Chloe's Angel friends to help keep their memorys alive:
Kayla Evelyn - Australia
Alice Crowder- Liverpool, UK 
Leah Porter- UK
Eliie Adams-Moran
Brianna Abbott- USA
Hendyrx Ragle-USA
                        

Chosen Poems Which Say the Words We Struggle to Find



I am so ripped apart but you make me feel whole
I feel so deprived but you make me so grateful
Even though you are far away, you feel so close
I feel so cold but your vision brings me warmth
If I feel angry you make me feel content
I feel so empty but you make me feel fulfilled
I am weak yet you give me strength
It all feels wrong yet you were always so right
I feel regret but I can only appreciate
I am so confused but you make me understand
I feel it’s unfair but convinced there was a reason
I feel guilty when people make me smile
I yearn for you then accept you’re in a better place
I feel nothing, then I feel everything
Is this surreal? Or is it reality?
I feel alone but comforted
People may think me insane, but I have faith
I want to scream out loud, but then think quietly
I have moments of daze and moments of focus
Can I leave this life of chaos-ness and be with you?
Or do you want me to stay here for a purpose?
I feel so scared to be without you, but somehow positive
Why has my dream turned into a nightmare?
I don’t want memories, I want the existence.

My Chloe

I've loved my child right from the start 
A feeling that's filled my entire heart. 
I went through the labour and suffered the pain 
For many long hours with nothing to gain. 
I've spent sleepless nights being awake 
Though it's been a while my arms they still ache. 
I've sat and I've wondered of how she would grow 
The love of my family that she'd come to know. 
The sound of her voice as she learns to talk 
Watching her steps as she tries to walk. 
I have a child that I really love so 
I am her mother yet nobody knows. 
I've spent all these months feeling her grow
 I've lived through it all and have nothing to show. 
I don't get invited to chat with young mothers Because I don't have a baby like all the others. 
I've got some stretch marks that I'd like to hide
 But I don't have a pram with a baby inside. 
The people I've known for so many years 
They avoid me now, which adds to my tears. 
I don't know how long I'll be feeling like this
 But one thing I know, my baby I miss. 
When Mother's day comes it will be very hard
 I won't have any flowers, not even a card. 
And just because she's not here with me
I still have a daughter I wish I could see. 
But one thing I know and this is for sure
 I'll be her mother for evermore!


JUST SAY - " I'M SORRY"

IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL
PLEASE DON'T TELL ME THAT YOU DO
THERE'S JUST ONE WAY TO K NOW
HAVE YOU LOST A CHILD TOO?
"YOU'LL HAVE ANOTHER CHILD"
 MUST I HEAR THIS EVERYDAY?
CAN I GET ANOTHER PARENT TOO
IF MINE SHOULD PASS AWAY?
"DON'T SAY IT WAS GOD'S WILL"
 THAT'S NOT THE GOD I KNOW
WOULD GOD ON PURPOSE BREAK MY HEART
THEN WATCH AS MY TEARS FLOW?
"YOU HAVE AN ANGEL IN HEAVEN
A PRECIOUS CHILD ABOVE"
BUT TELL ME, WHO HERE ON EARTH SHALL I GIVE THIS LOVE?
"AREN'T YOU BETTER YET"
IS THAT WHAT I HEARD YOU SAY?
NO A PART OF MY HEART ACHES
I'LL ALWAYS FEEL SOME PAIN
YOU THINK THAT SILENCE IS KIND
 BUT IT HURTS ME EVEN MORE
I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY CHILD WHO
 HAS GONE THROUGH DEATH'S DOOR
DON'T SAY THESE THINGS TO ME
ATHOUGH YOU MEAN WELL
THEY DO NOT TAKE MY PAIN AWAY
 I MUST GO THROUGH THIS HELL
I WILL GET BETTER, SLOW BUT SURE
 AND IT HELPS TO HAVE YOU NEAR
BUT A SIMPLE "I'M SORRY YOU LOST YOUR CHILD" IS 
ALL I NEED TO HEAR
(AUTHOR UNKNOWN) 


I'll Be There
Daddy please don't look so sad, Mummy please don't cry,
'Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and He sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God, don't think He is unkind.
Don't think He sent me to you, and then He changed His mind.

You see, I am a special child, and I'm needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, the product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, and watch the sky at night.
Find the brightest star that's gleaming, that's my halo's brilliant light.

You'll see me in the morning frost, that mists your window pane.
That's me, in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little breeze, from a gentle wind that blows,
That's me, I'll be there, planting a kiss on your nose.
When you see a child playing, and your heart feels a tug,
That's me, I'll be there, giving your heart a hug.

So Daddy, please don't look so sad, and Mommy don't you cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus, and He sings me lullabies.

In Memory Of Your Little Angel
Chloe Amber 


Thanks to..
www.louiseslodge.co.uk
www.blinkyou.com
www.angelfamilies.cityslide.com
Julie at  www.angelsimages.com/au
www.glitterfy.com
Delia at www.preciousmemorials.com


With references to 'An Empty Cradle, A Full Heart' Reflections for Mothers and Fathers after Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant death.

Copyrights have not been infringed without being aware...please contact me if you would like me to remove something. Thank you.

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